I'm Sorry
by TheNextFolchart
Summary: Even though he's the one being rejected, it's Lily's heart that's breaking. /Set in Lily's fifth year. Written for numerous challenges and competitions on HPFC


[Cinema Competition prompt: Fight Club; write violence, physical or mental *or emotional]

[Fan-Fiction Terms Category Competition prompt: Forum; write about a friendship]

[Gemstone Competition prompt: Garnet; write about Lily Evans]

* * *

"What do you mean?"

Sev says it quietly, brokenly, as if he really doesn't understand, really doesn't know, and even though he's the one being rejected, it's Lily's heart that's breaking.

"I'm sorry," she says, and she means it, too, she's not just trying to let him down easy. "I wish it were different."

Sev laughs once. There's no joy in it. "No, you don't."

"You're right," she says, astonishing them both, and she's blinking hard. "I just wish you were different."

"Well I'm sorry I don't go strutting around the castle with _Black_." He's sneering, and it infuriates her, because he's not supposed to bring this up, he's not supposed to make this about James when it's about _Lily_ and S_everus _and j_ust the two of them_ and n_obody else_. "I'm sorry I don't _fawn_ over you, and _beg_ for you, and I'm sorry I'm not captain of the bloody Quidditch team, and I'm sorry I - "

"Severus!" she cries. "You're missing the point!"

"I haven't missed anything. Popular Potter batted his eyes at you, and now you're his little mudblood whore."

She slaps him. He sees it coming, and he doesn't even flinch.

"You are supposed to be my friend," she says through clenched teeth, and there's no danger of her crying now, not anymore, because if there's one thing Lily Evans won't stand for it's _that word_. "You are supposed to support my decisions and cheer me up when I'm sad, same as I do for you. Hell, Sev, I don't even mind if you ridicule me once in awhile! But friends don't do _this_." She holds her hands out in front of her as if all their problems are tangible things hovering in a neat pile between them. "Friends don't _persecute_ each other."

"I've never - "

"You _do_, Sev, all the time." She doesn't want to look at him. "I'm sorry," she says again. "But I can't - I can't do this anymore."

His eyes widen a little. Suddenly he's seizing her by her upper arms. "You can't _do this anymore_?" he repeats, and she's not scared of him, not really, but she knows what he's capable of and it's enough to make her tense. "You can't do what, talk to me? Associate with me? _Look at me_? You can't continue doing what you've been quite happy to do for six years? You never had a problem with me until you started talking to Potter."

His eyes are narrowed now, and they're darting back and forth between her face and the wall just behind her. She sets her jaw and waits for him to meet her eyes. "I never had a problem with you until _you_ started talking to Dolohov," she corrects. "I never had a problem with you until you started with all this elitism crap. And I probably still wouldn't have a problem with you if you weren't so - if you didn't - Sev, does anyone besides me know that your father is a Muggle?"

It's not what he expected to hear, and it seems to jar him back into reality. He lets go of her and leans on his elbow against the wall. "No," he admits.

"Why not?" She already knows the answer. She just wants to hear him say it, wants to make sure he _knows_.

He doesn't reply.

"Because you're ashamed," she says, and her tone is softer now. "Sev. The first time I met you, you were so proud of who you were. So proud of who we were. And you told me we were special, remember? I thought you and I were so _special_."

He opens his mouth to interrupt, but she doesn't let him.

"And then we got here, we did the Sorting, and something changed for you. I don't know whether it was your new friends, or the Slytherin reputation, or what, but suddenly you weren't so proud of being a wizard anymore. It wasn't enough. You had to be a pureblood, too. You had to change everything about yourself - you had to _lie_ - in order to fit in with them. And _that's_ why I can't do this anymore. Because you're ashamed of yourself, and that means you're ashamed of me, too, and I don't want to be pitied, or bullied, I'd rather have friends who are proud of me, or at least proud of themselves, and Sev, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I don't think you're capable of - "

And then her words are muffled by his mouth, which is pressing against hers, and she's so startled by it that she pulls away hard, slamming her head back against the wall with a crack that makes her cry out.

Sev looks horrified. "I - I'm sorry," he croaks, taking half a step toward her, his arms outstretched. "I had to - just once - "

But Lily, one hand pressing against her head, is already running up the stairs and out of the dungeons, and Severus sinks to his knees and stares at the spot where she'd been standing for a very, very long time.


End file.
